I decided that I am quite good at getting what I want.  I have basically gotten all of my wishes for the summer just about....

Allie's Wishlist

- Paid trip to Portugal  (I found people to go to and from with and I even got permission for Steve to come.  My mother  and father finally agreed on something without a fight!  Its amazing.)
- Doggie to keep Cookie company (I am getting a border collie puppy!  He is 3 months old, black and white, mellow as can be.  It is the only dog Cookie will even so much as tolerate.  He is adorable!)
- A Kitten (One of the security guards in the building where mom and I work has kittens.  It is a situation mommy can't really say no to even though I don't have the kitten quite yet.)

That pretty much is my wishlist.  Other than that, my summer is boring as could be so far. I have worked almost every single day and kids just say the darnest things.  I don't think I will ever be surprised anymore.

Current Location: my room
Feeling Like: hyper

I vowed quite a while ago to never watch Grey's Anatomy.  It was like the fake version of ER.  Of course, I start watching it to spend time with my mother and now I'm an addict.  I have both seasons on DVD and I watch an episode a day.  It is three days or so til the next new one and I'm dying.  I want it to be Thursday because that day of the week just brings relief in sooooooo many ways.  My days are long and my mind is endless with what needs to be done.  Always things need to be done and I don't move fast enough to do them....I feel slow and slugish, but I really am trying, trying to be shiny and new.  The references to Grey's will probably be never ending in this post beware.  At work, all I get told about is how much my 20-something girls want a McDreamy to spoon them.  What they want most out of life is some guy to come home and spoon them in bed.  They cry at that, not that George's dad died, no, but that Derek went to spoon Meredith at the end of the episode.  I can't tell whether my 20-something girls are pathetic or not.  For the most part I think they are, but then again, I have the boyfriend who told me that he wants nothing more than to come home, get in bed and spoon me, so I have my McDreamy.  Everyone wants McDreamy and I have my very own version.  I also apparently have a Meredith complex.  I'm a mess just like she is, just not in the same way.  We both need saving, but are too stubborn to say so.  Can you tell that I've watched way too many episodes recently of this show?  Does it show?  I'm such a loser....

I think I'm done with my ranting for now I think, I don't really know nor care. meh

Feeling Like: frustrated
Listening to: nothing, my computer has not one piece of music on it

I'm not one to complain in here, I try not to use this as much as possible.  Everyone has probably heard my bitching about almost everything this week, but I doubt anyone has heard this problem...

Sometime in October or maybe early November or as far back as September, I have no idea, time goes by in a blur these days, my cousin Manny went in for surgery.  Manny was my dad's partner at the restaurant.  He was to go in, a lil recover time and come back to work.  Now my dad had been having all sorts of problems with Manny at that point.  Manny was always tired and ailing, he has a lot of injuries including severe back problems and kidney stones.  Manny came to work with my dad because it had been his dream to co-own and operate a restaurant.  This being said, owning a restaurant is not an easy task, it involves a lot of hours for very little pay, not for the light hearted.  Manny also came to work for us because he had lost his job, Tuscan, the milk planet folded under and was getting rid of all of its employees.  It meant that Lauren, Manny's wife and co-worker at Tuscan would also be out of a job eventually, but not at the same time as Manny.  Lauren would only be out of a job about a year later than Manny because of the department she worked in.  So Manny came to work for us and last fall got terrible kidney stones which took him out of work.  In the spring he got kidney stones again, so severe that he was hospitalized.  The hospital was improper in its care and he ended up catching septicimia, a.k.a. severe severe blood poisoning.  He could have died.  He took his slow slow time recovering, driving my dad up a wall.  I feel so bad for my dad, having to run the restaurant all by himself, something he hadn't done ever since it opened.  Then when Manny went for surgery, he went behind our backs and found another job while "recovering" without bothering to tell my dad until well after having and actually working at the job.  Quite the dick move...

Manny was my favorite cousin as a child.  I adore Lauren, she is awesome.  Now I can't help but feel resentment.  Manny wanted time with his kids, he wanted more money.  Now I basically don't have a dad.  This week has been hell for my dad.  Our only cook decided to pick this week to also be a dick.  Granted the cook's wife had a baby, but he knows that he is the only cook and that we have thousands and thousands of dollars worth of catering orders this week.  Orders that would take the cook a few hours to set up, would take my dad the entire day and night.  The cook just decided to take most of the week off and not setting up anything before like my dad asked.  My dad is not trying to be an asshole about this.  My dad can deal with not having a cook for most of the day so long as the cook arranges most of the catering orders the day before.  The cook hasn't been doing this, leaving it all for my dad.  Since my dad has to cook or go shopping for the massive amounts of food we are preparing this week, my mom now has to be there every day after school.  Both of my parents are so tired and I feel so bad about it.  I never see them anymore.  I'm scared that my dad is going to get sick.  He has high cholestrol and high triglycerides.  After what happened this semester with Justin, I'm petrified to come home one day and my world being more upside down than usual.  I used to go visit Manny's kids Gabby and Bella all the time.  I adore the two little girls, but I can't be in that house.  It hurts too much to be around Manny and Lauren.  I just want to scream, look at what you did and you don't even feel bad about it.  You just abandoned us.  Most of my family has been burned by Manny at some point or another.  My mother was always telling me not to be super close to them because I would be hurt and she was right.  I'm so hurt, down to every nerve ending in my body.  I miss those girls so much, but I can't go.  I miss my dad.  Since Manny started working with him, my dad hasn't been able to go sailing or apple picking or any family tradition we have held since I was five.  He is so tired now that he had to close on Sundays, which he really can't financially afford to do, but he is so tired.  The only day my dad is home, he sleeps the whole day and I still don't get to see him.

If you get involved in a big project, don't do it half hearted.  You don't realize what you do to others, the ones that have to suffer when you are gone.  Life is full of giant committments.  This goes for everything in life.  Its probably why the radio station has the ability to make me sad when I see people being half hearted about it.  It is heartbreaking.  Speaking of which, I'm going to sleep so I can DJ at 3am.  Someone had to do it...

Other things are bothering me too, but I'm not sharing them here.

Current Location: the kitchen
Feeling Like: crushed
Listening to: Strung Out - Life of Agony

in the last week i have become quite a happier person. i'm starting not care or worry as much as i would normally would on a normal basis.  i can't attribute what makes me feel so at ease, but i don't really care, i'm not going to worry about it.  this is going to be the run on sentence rant of my life i can feel it.  as much as i'm happier, i dread the next month of my life.  there are too many papers, too many things to be done and way too many fun things in between.  what can i say i want my cake and i want to eat it too.  i'm just hoping i can finish all the work, the x-mas presents and everything else.  i'm not working at my job though and it worries the hell out of me.  my car needs an oil change really bad and i kinda can't afford it at the moment.  i want to take such good care of this car, but i'm already failing.

some nights i come home and i just want to hop into bed with a purring kittie and then i remember that my annie cat is dead and my other cat doesn't cuddle.  the other cat just likes my bed and runs away when i get home.  someone may have just found me a cuddly kittie, but i can't get my hopes up. 

i think i'm going to go dream about a lot of things that i can't have like kitties and other things that shall remain nameless...

Feeling Like: drop dead tired

so i haven't updated since....ummm...may
bad allie....

so apparently my prophecy in life is to meet boys named michael on the 15th date of a month.  these michaels will have depression and anxiety problems.  we feel instant connections between us and they become my best friends.

i met mike on the 15th of january of this year.  of course the first words out of his mouth after learning my name are i've heard bad things about you, i managed to talk to him anyway.  obviously me and mike are best buddies now.  in fact he is taking me to a devils game, AT THE GARDEN, tonight. hehehe

i met mikey on the 15th of july at sounds of the underground.  apparently with a sombero and pigtails pretending to be a poor hungry mexican, i'm just utterly adorable.  i don't know what i would do without mikey.  mike and i can talk about anything, but mikey can rationalize everything for me objectively.  i love that the only other person mikey really knows that i know is steph.  i love having a best friend with an objective opinion.

i met michael #3 (sangi) on the 15th on this month.  already there is such a bond between us.  its kinda incredible.  i miss intellectual conversations.  i like them quite a bit and now i can have them.  he says i'm his female counterpart and perhaps he is right.  i <3 you young'in.  you are the cutest of my michaels.

so the annie cat died last friday.  they won't let me get another kittie.  it makes me really sad.  keeka is a poor subsititute for my annie.  i miss something headbutting me when i'm upset and i'm been upset plenty this weekend.  i feel like i'm playing death in chess and i'm not good at chess so i'm gonna lose.  10 points and a prize to whomever can figure out what movie i took that from.

in other news, if i enter english grad school in seton hall i might just be able to T.A. which would be wonderful.  I'd love to teach College English 1201 and 1202.  I'm plotting as we speak, a whole probably two years in advanced.

well now i'm going to go pick up michael....

P.S. Liz, where are you?  I call your cellphone and its always off!  I miss you :(  Whenever I call you either no one is in your house or its too late to call your house so i feel embarrassed.  Please find me, I misses you a lot.  I'm going to start asking jackie where you are hiding....

Wow...I just read all of my entries

I am such the whiny bitch, especially about boys, not having friends, and drama.  I think I grew up somewhere in there.  At least I hope I did....

Well, at least I know I have friends, quite a good bunch that actually care about me.  I love Justin, my Liz, other Liz, Mike, Steve, Nikki, and a bunch of people at the station, but mostly the six people I just mentioned.  I also like the people I work with...Marti, Maria and Sabrina are pretty cool.

Now someone I don't know is ringing my doorbell...meep!  Back to sleep or something like since it is way too early for anyone to be awake.  Mike comes back later!  Yay!

Back to not being mentally lucid, wonderful....

oh antidepressants how i loathe and love you.  you make me a crazy psycho spilling my insecurities and emotions all over the floor for the first month and then i'm more mellow than a stoned hippie.  if i wasn't so forgetful i'm sure we would strictly have a love only relationship.  mainly because i would remember to take you everyday and i would not have to revisit being on antidepressants for the first month and being psycho allie once every four months.  The main reason this usually happens is that finals period comes around and I'm so all over the place that i forget that i need my drugs.  Its also the only time i seem to skip going into withdrawl.  withdrawl is usually what my trigger is for remembering to take the stupid little pill in the first place, that and my other pill which i remember to take more than my antidepressant.  ugh, this whole thing is making me feel terrible.  my only words of advice to others while i am sorta lucid, if we fight or i say outrageous crap like i have been, its not you, it is sooooooo totally me.

did i also mention i think i'm getting sick?  my throat is killing me, but not constantly, just every now and again, what is that all about?  i also sneeze and get stuffed up every now and again.... did i finally end up with allergies or something?  i seriously do think i got allergies to my mother's school.  since i started i cough a shitload in her building and the other building.  perhaps its now full blown or something like that...  maybe i shall take some benadryl or something and see if that helps.  maybe it will put me back to sleep seeing as its only 8:55AM and i'm awake.  i can't DJ later tonight like this, I will be utterly wiped out.  I need nap time or something like that.

we are getting a puppy tomorrow.  i don't think i want one.  i don't want to love something else.  i already have to face the fact that seadog is going to die soon.  maybe not tomorrow, this month or next or even this year, but he will.  he is 16 years old, i don't think he can make it through another winter.  he won't go through on his promise to live through the time i am in college, but i won't hold him to that.  he did well enough making it from my kindergarten through high school.  i just don't know if i want a puppy, too time consuming.  at this point i don't have the energy.  at least with a kitten they entertain themselves all around the house and they automatically go bathroom in the box.  i don't want to clean dog piss off the floors, its not cool.  i would love another kitten, but i just don't know if i could love another puppy.  i also need girl names for said puppy because its coming whether i want it to or not.

Feeling Like: listless

I hate working with my father. He can never admitt that he is wrong. He made so many mistakes today it wasn't even funny. I had to cover them all up and we still ended up fighting like crazy. We can't work together, yet I'm probably the best girl he has.

I might just get a really sweet job for the summer. Baby-sitting four days a week from 8am-2pm or so and getting paid $1000 a week. I really hope the Samus discuss it cause that would be so sweet. Their son, whom I've met is so adorable. I just want to take him home. I'm sure the girl is just as cute. I would have so much fun planning activites for the three of us to do every day. I could also save almost $15000 between the end of school and the beginning of the new school year. That would be nice, quite nice actually. I could even afford concert tickets for the summer. I actually have to start looking at what dates they are so I can plan accordingly with this potential job. Then I could just start substitute teaching in the fall. I also would not have to work with my dad anymore and want to tear my hair out.
I also have another idea that might bring me in a bit of cash, we will see how that goes.

Now to my last point. The more people that come into the restaurant or if I go out with friends, the more people want to take me out for my birthday or what not. First of all, Alex and Lauren had a good point Wednesday as far as having a 21st birthday week. Second of all, I'm just throwing it out there...someone throw me a surprise party. I want a surprise party for my birthday. So all of my friends get together and plan something. Just do something and don't tell me about it. It doesn't need to be elaborate, just do something I guess. the end....

Feeling Like: contemplative

oh boy, st. patrick's day and i didn't drink, surprise surprise. however driving around with one headlight out and the other misaligned made me a moving target. yum. i got pulled over twice and almost arrested.

Pull over #1:
Mike was being depressed so I dragged him out for food cause I was hungry. The hungry part comes from Gabby's birthday where I went for dinner. The child requested pierogies and kielbasa for dinner, not quite my favorite. So me and mike went to White Diamond mid way through Justin's shift. It was full of crazy ass drunk people trying to sober up and failing quite terribly at it. One only needed to see the parking lot to tell that I was the only sober person. Everyone else did some pretty, pretty parking jobs. Anyway, after White Diamond, I decide to be all nostalgic and go see Magnet. By now, it is like 2:30am...keep that in mind. So we go and see all the lovely construction being attempted all around the school. And as always, there are cops in the parking lot. I get pulled over, yum. They don't believe that I was merely there to look at my school. I don't date Mike, we were most definitely NOT fooling around. So I get pulled out of the car and told that they might be arresting me if I don't tell the truth. I didn't think at the time that they thought that I would be fooling around back there, cause obviously I wasn't. I was to scared to think of that honestly. I was on the verge of a panic attack as it was and all three cop cars full of officers didn't believe me. They wanted to know why I would be out at 2am. Hmmm, I normally DJ in the middle of the night, would you like to guess why I am out? I was so scared that I was going to get arrested. They kept saying, I'm going to have to arrest you to get the real story out of you aren't I. Oh dear lordy, I'm a good kid for crying out loud! So they let me go after scary the life out of me for a good half and hour. I get on the Parkway to take Mike home as I am now shaking like a leaf and keeping UNDER the speed limit.
Pull over #2:
I am nice and SLOW on the Parkway and I get pulled over AGAIN. There was this cop tailing me, pulled next to me. Thankfully never got in front of me because there was the 137 exit in front of me and i was attempting to get off when the cop switched three lanes and went after me. Dammit! This time its for my headlight being out. Surprise, surprise, I was waiting for that one to happen. He let me go with a warning, I mean, c'mon my damn new bulb is just sitting in my car. That one went much better than the first and resulted in me back roading to seton hall the long way cause i was scared. i drove the speed limit or under the whole way to school. I was so panicky. On the way home I went a little faster. Only me...

Feeling Like: sleepy

I had really nifty things that I wanted to write in here for the past few days.  Unfortunately this is not one of those posts.  Not at all....
My car went well out of its way to show me how much it hates me yesterday.  I'm not talking about a little hate, my car was trying to give me the last fuck you of my life.
So I went to Bryn Mawr Sunday with Amanda to check out Haverford and Swathmore while visiting Liz in the process.  So Saturday I kill my battery at the station so the car was already trying to say please don't make me go to PA.  Yesterday morning I realize my car has a flat tire on Presidents Day when nothing is open and I have to drive four towns over to fix my tire.  Yippie, more fuck you Allie for dragging me here.  Then it starts climbing towards the H on the thermostat on the way home so I have to drive with the heat on full blast and the windows open.  Fine, so far I can deal with all of that...
THEN....
I am on my way home from doing Pirate TV until 10 something at night.  Mike had been fixing my car, putting on my mirror and putting in speakers while I was in Pirate TV.  Either my car is possessed or Mike is a dumb ass but the hood ended up unlatched.  I get on the Parkway and get up to 70 and my hood flies up into my windshield.   That's right...my windshield on the Parkway, isn't that special?  My windshield thankfully didn't crack, but I had to go 20mph the rest of the way home cause my cell phone was dead and I couldn't call anyone.  The car tried to say fuck you Allie, but I had the last laugh.  No I didn't drive it into a lighting pole like I wanted to.  I called Steve last night and he fixed it for me an hour after it happened.  So guess what, fuck you car, you still have to carry my ass around.

I feel like I lost everyone when I lost Ryan. Perhaps I just lost myself, but I feel like I have no one to care about me now. I feel like my friends abandoned me which I know probably is not true. Sometimes though, I feel like I can just drop everything when one of my friends is upset, but they cannot do the same for me. I just can't deal with it anymore. I feel alone, everyday I just feel alone. Everyday it just gets worse, the hole gets deeper and darker. No one bothers to take me out of this hole and I cannot get out of it myself. I want out of it more than anyone can imagine. A month ago I was perfectly fine and then it all went to the worse. I don't know what to do. I guess I should just pretend like everything is ok and just ignore my feelings. Pretend like there is no Ryan and I have no friends.

Feeling Like: confused

I was at work today and some guy asked for my number. Now, no guy in my history has ever asked for my number, EVER. And I would never expect a guy to ask for my number when I look like absolute shit. Here I am working, this guy comes in with his parents. I'm dressed in drab ass clothing, gray plain shirt and black pants, my hair is so dirty and I have no makeup on whatsoever. I tease him a bit, cause he made fun of his mom so I made fun back. He comes back like forty five minutes later with his friend and we start talking and bullshitting. I didn't really think he was cute, he was a lil interesting, but that was it. A twenty four or twenty five year old guy asked for MY NUMBER. He wants to be my date for the semi-formal. You think i would be happy or something, but it just makes me more miserable.

I was watching Forrest Gump and it just made me sad. I know its a fictional movie, but it has the power to move people emotionally. To me, I can understand and feel the love that Forrest feels for Jenny. To me, it would be pure and deep. I want someone to feel that way about me, but I know its never going to happen. Even worse, I want Ryan to love me like that, which I definitely know is never going to happen. Or at least it will never be shown to me. I want to get inside his head and figure out exactly what goes on in there. As much as I would like to understand what goes on in my head, I seriously would be more interested in what goes on in his head. I can never figure him out. At least with Kevin I could ask him what he was thinking about and nine times out of ten he would answer. Ryan never answers when I ask him what he is thinking about. He is mysterious and yet not because most of what happens with him can be logically deduced.

Oh dammit, I just want Ryan to decide what I am.

Feeling Like: lonely
Listening to: Herzeleid - Rammstein

i was having a conversation with vani earlier about how i feel i can't connect to anyone at seton hall.  then i thought about it a while and i'm still thinking about it right now.  i miss people, i truly do.  i feel like ree is gone because she is so far away in england.  i worry about her, but i never get to tell her that because i never get to talk to her.  i talk to nikki, but probably not as much as i should.  sometimes i feel like i lost her to college and to starbucks.  but at least we are still connected. i talk to laur because i know she suffers the same that i do. she experienced something i did, creating a bond that will never be broken.  i miss my brother, janusz.  i feel like he doesn't need me and that makes me so sad.  i miss vani. she is an inspiration to me, but i bet she doesn't know it.  she is not afraid to be herself around others and stop caring what others think, something i need to relearn.  i almost lost liz, something i've regret terribly.  i really didn't mean to fight with you over ryan, that was really henious of me.  i don't want him to be in between us, cause that just is not right.  but sometimes things just happen for a reason and if i didn't show interest in him, he would have really hurt your feelings.  and i don't want you to be hurt ever.  i want you to find your equal mentally and physically, you know what i mean.  and now i am praying you don't take this the wrong way.  you are my best friend, you understand me and i try to understand you as much as possible, though you are still part enigma. 

i was talking to justin today, my platonic lifemate.  he said high school is where you get the last bit of kid out of you and college is where you begin to realize the world around you.  you make your good friends in college.  so why do i feel like i made the best friends ever in high school? 

Feeling Like: contemplative

I need a car....poo

Wow...what a lot of shit came my week so far, not to mention this lovely all nighter

Bad Parts:

- Cat decided to pee in the bolex camera case...yummy

- locked my keys and $5,000 worth of equipment belonging to the school in my car in newark for five or so hours, missing hosting duties in television studio class in the process of waiting for my car, walking 15 blocks in heels

- got a parking ticket while filming

- getting up at 7am every morning after going to bed at 3am

- being two weeks behind in work with one week of school left

- being coated in dark purple, ouchy bruises from carrying camera equipment

 

Good Part: Being utterly calm through it all

I got Ryan back and none of what is up above matters one bit to me.  To be able to live without the all nervous jitter in my stomach is top notch in my book.  There has not been one spot of anxiety at all.  I like being able to live like this...its nice

Now to finish my script, go to the station and hopefully pass the fuck out on the couch, I'm tired...

Feeling Like: thankful
Listening to: Pet - A Perfect Circle